Thursday, December 20, 2012

Canon in D - My Story

Aside from all the baking, DIY-ing, and life updating, sometimes writing in my blog is just plain cathartic.  Today is just one of those days.  I was in between posting & not-posting, but maybe somebody else who is going through the same thing will stumble upon this entry and it will help them.  Who knows, but getting it off my chest might help me.

If you are married, then you have had the joy of picking all the music to be played at your wedding ceremony.  Your first dance, your father daughter dance, the song that will be played as you walk down the aisle as husband and wife, and of course the song that will play while your dad escorts you down the aisle.  I'm sure that when you chose the song that would be ceremoniously played while you walked towards your husband-to-be, arm in arm with your father, it didn't cross your mind that some day you would have to hear that song and your dad would be gone.  Nope, didn't think so..because that never crossed my mind either.

When I chose Pachelbel's Canon in D for my walk down the aisle, it was probably the easiest music choice I made for our wedding.  Every other song choice was made between several choices and with much discussion.  But not Canon in D.  Ever since I began imagining my dream wedding, I knew I would enter the church to this song.

Of course I knew my dad was sick, he had lost enough weight at this point that his tuxedo measurements for my wedding were the same exact measurements from his own wedding 32 years ago.  The thing is, even knowing about all the treatments he had tried and knowing that the cancer just would not go into remission,  I never imagined he would be gone so soon.  And then it happened and my dad was gone before my first anniversary even rolled around.

Photography by Alex Goykhman
So here's the thing.  It's not like Canon in D is a popular radio request or anything.  But it is a Christmas carol.  I assume I heard Christmas Canon last Christmas, but my dad was still around so it didn't hit me then.  This year, I've heard it at least four times during the holiday season.  If I'm around someone else while it plays I can hold it together.  When I'm wrapping presents by myself or doing some Christmas baking and I'm alone, that's when hearing it hits me.  My mind floats to the back of the church that afternoon.  While waiting in the vestibule, I was tearing up because I was so nervous, hoping the day would go as smoothly and perfectly as I'd always imagined.  As always, my dad was calming me down, reassuring me I'd be fine and the day would go exactly as I dreamed.  Everyone else finished walking down the aisle and the song began to play.  There is a certain crescendo that is my favorite part of the song and my dad knew so we agreed we should wait a bit so we'd be walking while it played.  And then we began down the aisle.  So when I hear the Christmas Canon now, it doesn't take me back to my walk down the aisle itself, it takes me back to those tender moments when my dad was still being a dad to my 25 year old self.  And it makes me miss him.  A lot.

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